Turtles Eating Things

Archive for June, 2009

Turtle Eats Pigeon? (You are a sicko)

So you’re looking for the “Turtle Eats Pigeon” clip hey? Hmm. That’s a bit twisted don’t you think.
Maybe you’d rather hear about this:

(**warning to animal lovers**)

Shanghai activists save cats from plates
Animal activists in Shanghai have rescued 300 cats from a dealer who had bought the allegedly stolen pets for sale to restaurants in southern China, state media says.

The activists, acting on a tip from a cat lover, found 22 bamboo cages full of cats in a freight yard, from where they were to be shipped to Guangdong province, the Shanghai Daily reported on Monday.

Most of the animals were returned to their owners but three cats were found dead and some had broken legs, the report said.

“The cats are abused. They throw the cages on to a truck instead of loading them properly. The cats that survive end up in soups at restaurants,” Lai Xiaoyu, an activist involved in Friday night’s rescue told the newspaper.

Restaurants pay about 50 yuan ($A9.06) a cat, according to the report.

Police detained the cat dealer, Yang Baoguo, after he battled dozens of animal lovers who descended on the freight yard to break his cages, the newspaper said.

The dealer was released after a few hours without charge because animal protection laws are nonexistent in China, the report said.

“There is no law in China saying cats cannot be eaten,” police officer Ma Yong was quoted as saying. “Cats are not a protected animal.”

Yang, who has traded cats for a decade, bought the animals from so-called hunters who trapped the cats in residential areas at night, the report said.

Police could not charge him with possessing stolen property because, unlike dogs, a licence is not required for owning a cat in Shanghai, making ownership impossible to prove, the report said.

Eating cat meat is a tradition in many parts of China, especially in southern regions, where some restaurants specialise in preparing the dishes, according to Chinese media reports.

Link

Now, here’s a picture of a turtle being wholesome and eating a salad. Enjoy. He likes you. A lot.

Your Questions: Do turtles eat meat?

I’m going to answer some of your questions from the facebook fan page (please join and send in turtles eating things – plus your name for photo credits).

Q. In response to the question, do turtles eat meat?

A. Yes. And these heartless bastards would eat you given half the chance.

They have been labeled many things: cold, ruthless, prehistoric and even nonchalant, these ancient creatures have been thrown into a modern world that demands a lot from them. Traced back through ancestry, turtles are documented as herbivore up until around 1 A.H. (after hamburgers). Scientists and Jessica Fletcher have not yet uncovered this evolutionary mystery.

Although most turtles claim that they cannot fight crime and do not posses any kind of karate, modern scriptures refer to a ‘turtle power’ that suggests otherwise. This has lead to a backlash within both the non-turtle and turtle communities. Over the past decade turtles have been known to attack humans in ‘gangs’, even going so far as to remove the entire faces of some victims with a series of tiny bites – much like that of a squirrel eating corn.

WARNING: images below may be disturbing to some readers.

This picture was taken only moments before the man was almost entirely eaten by a gang of turtles. No karate has been reported.

This gruesome image shows the same turtle eating the entrails of its victim, similar to a haggis dish that you might find in the Scottish Highlands.

Snapping Turtles – do they really want to hurt you? do they really want to make you cry?

1968 – detective, Prune Tracey is working on the disappearance of Jimmy Nine-Fingers, a known mob can collector and part time snitch. It’s been two and a half weeks with nothing, not a word. On a hunch, Prune orders a search of the lake. Most likely Jimmy Nine-Fingers has been sleeping with the fishes. Problem is – he’s been down there a while. Not a floater, see. Activate pre-MacGyver-styles.

Body finding kit: 2 avocados, ball of string, lit match and a snapping turtle..

Snapping Turtles don’t have teeth, but they have a crazy McCracken style hooked beak that will snap your hands off if you give them half a chance. Anything that gets in the way of their little snappy face and SNAP they grab onto it. Detectives used to tie string around their shells and let them off into the lake until snappy starts munching on old Nine-Fingers and stops moving around. Found.

Fun fact – the original plot for Gremlins involved regular pet turtles that get turned into snapping turtles and go around killing all these people. The opening scene was a backyard pool with a little snapping turtle at the bottom that kills the main kid’s sister. But then they wanted to make it PG so they took out the killing and gore. That left them with a microwave and little teddy bear animals that didn’t eat anybody.

Zombie Turtles: Worldwide Takeover?

Flocks of Zombie Turtles are on a worldwide rampage this morning, seemingly sparked on by a a brief televised message involving a well known Zombie leader.

Warning: do not show this message to any turtles.

Horrific images are flooding in from around the globe of ravenous turtles eating anything that crosses their path.

We’ll update you as the story develops.

Turtles become self aware

August 29th, 1997 at 2:14 a.m. (Eastern time), Turtles become self aware.

And by that, I mean they learn how to not need opposable digits to eat things. Essentially, they surpass the Human race at eating.

At this point all that I can recommend is that you have your ‘Go Bag’ ready and you know the way to a ladder with your eyes closed. Turtles are not yet accomplished at the ladder. May wizards protect you and yours.

Bandini’s turtle

This turtle lives in a zoo. That’s kind of like a nursing home for non-pets. They get everything a nursing home turtle could ever want. They get vegetables. They get cable TV. They get a shower twice a day. And one phone call a week. They even get to talk for hours about how when they were little they walked uphill to and from school, because back in the yester-year everything was uphill. Downhill wasn’t invented yet.

Ba nanana na na na na, Ba nanana na na na…

this turtle has vision. he doesn’t see his size, and see the banana’s size and think ‘i can’t do this’. he’s like, ‘i’ll take it on, cos i’m a turtle. i am THE turtle’. and that’s what he does.

and that’s all well and good. but you know, maybe he’s not really getting it the way he’s supposed to. he’s small and the banana is big for a reason. turtles just can’t appreciate the complex taste of a banana. and that’s not me talking – that is SCIENCE. i mean look at the size of that little mouth. he’s chomping on the edge pieces, and that’s all he’s getting. edge piece taste. he’s not getting a little piece of edge, a little piece of almost middle and a little piece of actual middle tastes. that’s the way the banana was supposed to be eaten. he’s just not getting it.

now let me be clear on this. i hate bananas. the smell of those bastards could make me throw up on the spot. like sniffing milk in a carton. spew. anyway, i can’t stand banana smell so let’s not bring it up again. i used to like my banana scented hula hoop though when i was little. it was more like lolly bananas though. now that’s a smell i can get down with.

Hippy Turtle

This turtle is a hippy. I’m not a racist or anything, but things like hippies make me worry about natural selection. Is it still working out for us? I’m not so sure.

A hippy turtle is even more worrying. Is it a learned condition? Or is this turtle being a smart arse and mocking us? Like, “I know, I’m a turtle and all that. And yeah, I have to eat flowers cos I don’t know how to make hamburgers.. but you guys have hippies. Who is the real loser here?”

Bad News..

I hate to have to be the one to tell you this, but a covenent of turtle wizards are plotting to kill you. I’m not sure what you did, or who you offended. It has something to do with mini tomatoes. God speed.

Nom nom nom noms.

This guy is watching you type all that stuff and going, “nom nom nom noms..” He doesn’t care about your failboats or your ROFLcats. He wants more strawberries. Give them to him.